Nothing Missing, Nothing Broken

Life After Zamba

2008-05-09T21:09:00.000-07:00

Okay, so no more Zamba madness. I can finally get a DQ Sandwich!!
...Cut me some slack, that's all i'm asking for -- DQ! Ice Cream! Yummy! ;)

P.S. Will tell about my trip very soon! I shall keep the suspense! Haha

PREPARATION

2008-05-04T21:28:00.000-07:00

AAAAAH! one more day til' Zamba! I haven't even started packing yet. What's new right?

Grocery List:

Food
1. Spam (Good for 12)
2. Rice (5-6 cups)
3. Tuna (Good for 12) --> not sure yet!
4. CHIPS! CHIPS! CHIPS! --> easy now! You wouldn't want to gain MORE weight, cris! (Talking to self)
5. Liquid: Juice, WATER, milk??

Toiletries
....okay, this is too much of a private info!

NOTE TO SELF: Bring PILLOWS! BLANKETS!

craaaps! I need to shop, i swear. Bikinis.. do i have enough?? Beach clothess??

AAAAAAAAAAH!! This should be illegal. It's driving me crazy. Then again, i can't wait.

MUST CHARGE DIGI CAM!

Anyways, gotta go! i gotsto shop for more stuff! Do pray that i won't forget anything important!

HUGS

BIKINIS -- and the lack thereof

2008-05-03T21:31:00.000-07:00

I'm excited about my Zamba trip. For realss. But i'm usually a big crammer, so i pack last minute! My only fear is that i'd find out last minute that i don't have enough bikinis! Haha Bummer!

...So i'm off to the mall today, in search for the perfect bikini!

Tomorrow, i'm heading to the grocery! Oh I can imagine my friend saying: "Don't go telling your itinerary!" Haha

Well, what can i do?? It takes a whole lot to shut me up.. Like, this text message from my friend saying: "I'm here!" -- outside my freakin house!!

So, opp, gotta go! ;)

Nautical Bash Event

2008-04-29T04:05:00.000-07:00

I must say, i feel like such a loser for not having been "committed" to updating this blog. (Playing music to my sad sad life).

Well, i don't want to sulk. I don't want to brush off regrets either. It would be super weird to skip important events, don't you think? I just gotta write about em'!

Let's start with March 31. We celebrated Pat Pay's 18th at a yacht. Yes, a yacht. Fancy huh? We were sailing the night away and we had a blastttt!! It was very hot and humid though, i mean, i wanted to get clad a la blair, but i guess it worked toward my disadvantage! Haha, only for the occassion. Cos' hello, my neck's super balot, i'm actually living in a world with NO AIR -- Some things are just not for me. haha

Well, i have to say, despite that, i had a lot of fun memories that night -- the crazy dancing, the playing dj-for-ten-seconds, the delicious pansit, and the chocolate fondue!! (Ah! Now that's why i gained so much weight! The fondue is the culprit!)

Anyways, here are some photos of that wonderful event:

I loved it!

-Crissy

Her Ticket To The Real World

2008-04-11T00:28:00.000-07:00

Finally! She's officially UNEMPLOYED! All her hardwork has payed off! Way to go! I'm proud of her. I mean, she's always been the sudious one, it would annoy me so much to see my sister burying her nose with those thick huge scientific nursing books. Think Myasthenia Gravis. What is that?? I mean hello, can't we just be happy to call it a disorder or some sort. Haha. Nursing students -- ya'll are amazing! Props to you! ;)

I was her official photographer, so imagine me being all over the place. It's quite annoying really. The heat, then again, was TERRIBS and HORRIBS! I will forever whimper.

But yea, i'm really proud of her -- my sister, Abby. She got a couple of rad awards and a shiny medal. ;) OOOOOOOOOOOOOH. Now the pressure is so on! Do i have what it takes to receive one?... Dang. I hope so. Haha

I'm definitely very very proud of her! Way to go, Nang! I'm Illongga, so i call her Manang. For realss. ;)

Christmas on February; Love and Independence

2008-02-18T04:20:00.000-08:00

So yes, it's February 18 now, and celebrating "independence" day (normal people call it Valentines) on the 14th was not so bad after all. I hung out with Cyrus (27, and single! Yes, ladies!) and Micah, not single, only "technically" for that day.

Cyrus had to pick me up at my place.
Then Micah's.

We headed down at Dencio's... the one beside 19 East, the place with amazing bathrooms? Yea, that place.. I'm not very sure what it's called. The place was so pretty with the lights and all. I felt like it was Christmas. Can things get anymore backwards? haha

Well, i was Cinderella that night. So I had to "poop" the "parteey" and leave at around 9. We left at around 7 by the way, so much for party, yea?

Nonetheless, we had a blast. We took random photos, conversation was good, food was okay, and our outfits were "feeling"! TRIPPY much! It was definitely a DATE: Cyrus paid for our food.

We got ice cream on the way back! Sebastian's! Woohoo!! Then took pictures at my place... it was awkward, so i won't say any more. ;)

Noob

2007-12-08T08:05:00.000-08:00

I think it's about time I do this. I've been privately blogging, but i'm now making it public! Hurray! Kinda like a secret love affair, thing is, i've broken off as soon as i announced it to the world.

Now it only makes me wonder... What can I write about next?

RADICAL

2007-11-23T01:47:00.000-08:00

...so i was inspired by Erwin McManus' book "The Barbarian Way."

There's a love displayed that's too raw for man

Too vast to grasp too deep to understand

There's a cross put on view where controversies lie

Did He die to live, or did He live to die?

Yet amid such things we eagerly wait

The spirits of those with radical faith!

From something so civilized, take feral steps

-- (our) lives as sacrifice, for we are not like the rest.

Ridiculous for some, for many we are fools,

To love so intensely and believe in the Truth.

That to live is Christ,

…and death is but gain.

Undo all refinement, unleash the untamed!

What Are We Living For?

2007-10-27T01:46:00.000-07:00

It's not a joke… living for Jesus. It's either we do or we don't, nothing in between. If we examine our hearts, evaluate our thoughts, who are we truly living for? I remember the time He had called me, it was unforeseen considering how much of a sinner I was (now, don't even ask) and although I became repentant when my fabricated world got obliterated, I didn't expect Him to show up so strongly and, not to mention, so sudden. It was as if I didn't have to think it through, when my weak and distraught soul felt His presence that night, I hastened to say yes. Having only little clue about what I was getting myself into, something in my spirit understood that from then on, everything has to change. Adjustments have to be made and certain things are to be reduced, if not, cut off.

I made a choice – to yield to him, whatever the cost. Because I've learned this much is true, He's all I've got. Take away all the things that so superficially define me, strip me off all things shallow. But I need Jesus to remain…

See, I'm not perfect. I don't do the "right" things all the time. I may not meet your expectations or your standard of "Christianity," but who does anyway? We all make mistakes, and in a weak and dying word, judgment and condemnation must be far off (if that's even possible).

I'm grateful, eternally, because He has chosen the weak things to shame that which is strong; the foolish things to shame the wise. Isn't it great that His standard is so different from ours? When the weak seems so useless, God finds potential. When the foolish seems ridiculous, He finds greatness and leadership.

I don't know what He saw in me and I don't understand why someone such as me would matter so much to Him. I don't know why He rescued me despite my infidelity.

I don't know

…but I'm glad He did.

A broken girl made whole.

A weak one made strong.

A wretched soul made beautiful…

By grace.

Yep, that's who I am, not perfect but trying, and I'll keep on keeping on until the end of time whatever the cost. Because now I know what I'm living for – and there's so much more…

Fresh Wind In My Sails

2007-08-29T01:45:00.000-07:00

Psalm 121:1-2

"I lift my eyes to the hills – where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth."

There are times we encounter certain emotional rollercoasters we could not quite comprehend. Those moments wherein you cry for no reason, fear for no reason, hurt for no reason. Just a few hours ago it happened to me. I don't get it really – I went to my room, tapped in a few piano keys, and for some reason, got frustrated.

I am so sure it is not because of my lack of skill, although it is a bit frustrating sometimes.

…It's like, all of a sudden, things got to me. I broke down. I felt like my system reached its maximum extent of vulnerability. I felt… well, afraid.

I was wondering if I may have come to a point of negligence towards things that are of God. I mean, how else can fear engulf me like that? It was so surreal. I felt like an addict hankering after a fix just so I can get through – no kidding! I was crying out to Him like some hopeless person, to say the least.

Then it hit me… early on before I sobbed uncontrollably, right after the 'tapping of keys', I prayed this wonderful Psalm: "Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast Spirit within me. Do not cast me from Your presence or take Your spirit away from me. Restore to me the joy of salvation and grant a willing spirit to sustain me." I meant it, with all my heart.

Then, I understood why I had to be broken once again, why I had to get down on my knees and weep once again – It's because I desired to, and so it happened.

Here's what the message bible says, best way to put it: "God, make a fresh start in me, shape a Genesis week from the chaos of my life…" And it went on through saying "Bring me back from gray exile, put a fresh wind in my sails."

FRESH WIND IN MY SAILS – isn't that wonderful?

I am so convinced that what I had in my room was more than just an emotional thing. What the enemy has meant for evil, God is able to use for good. The enemy may have intended for me to get discouraged and depressed, but guess what… I prayed to my God who is mighty to save – my God who is my helper at all times. And he brought me back from gray exile to put fresh wind in my sails! He restored to me the JOY of salvation, granted a willing spirit to get me going! Ha! I am fully equipped!

The reminder of the pains of my past can no longer bring me down – but rather cause me to praise and glorify Him more for taking me out of darkness into His light! How great is this!

The best bit?

His promise:

Psalm 121:7-8

"The Lord will keep you from all harm – He will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore!"

HALLELUJAH!

LOVE MADE by those who fake it

2007-08-22T01:43:00.000-07:00

-Ok, so this, by far, is the most emo i've written in what, 12 years? Anyways, y'all have to just forgive me for my emo tendencies.. 7 mins.. then I'm good. It's a good release, practically. Prayer is, of course, the best.

NOTE: i dint have anybody in mind when i wrote this.. so yes. This is just.. random. an emo kind of random. LOL

LOVE MADE

BY those who fake it

Why am I so desperately searching

For things uncertain

Have I not been convinced enough

That the world is unkind

What am I searching for

That which I cannot find

Or maybe I'm searching in the wrong direction?

Guide me through this labyrinth

That confounds my feeble mind

I'd rather be a puppet

With no control over my life –

Cos' it's easier that way

Isn't it?

Every choice is a mistake

Waiting to be made

By those oblivious

Every chance is bluff

--let's toss a coin

And bet our hearts again

Love is gamble anyway

No one truthful ever wins.

Love is cheat.

Love is cheap.

Made by those who fake it

…and suffered by those deceived.

Consumed

2007-06-22T01:41:00.000-07:00

I'm in love with you

I wanna feel you near

Never to leave your presence

To rest.

To be still.

At times I feel like crying

Cos I think of you and see

How beautiful, how great

The love that set me free

The thought of you lingers

It consumes my mind

I can never do without you

You're my everything.

You're my life.

Words can never express

This overwhelming desire

To be with you

--to love on you,

Every single moment.

My life is for you

Let me do what you please

Your nature to upsurge

For I must decrease.

Have your way in me

Not my will, but Yours.

To live for you My King

I choose to walk this course.

The Lord Is My Husband

2007-06-18T01:42:00.001-07:00

"For your Maker is your husband—
the LORD Almighty is his name—
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
he is called the God of all the earth."

Isaiah 54:5 (NIV)

Lately, I've been saying this to myself: "The Lord is my husband" and it's more powerful to me than you think. It is not a wild imagination or some momentary trip, it's more than that. I believe I have accelerated into a realm where God is aligning my heart to His. Revealing himself as a lover, a husband, a resting place where I can find security. In response, I am made sensitive to His commands – to fully submit to Him. I am made available to do what He pleases, to speak well of Him all the days of my life.

I know nothing about marriage, my knowledge about it is limited to what I see and hear from people, and more often than not, it's vague and inaccurate. Nevertheless, I choose to learn from Him who is perfect, to have first-hand experience of His perfect love – this love that never fails. To marry myself to my Maker, my King, my Redeemer. How divine is this truth: that the God of all the earth desires to be one with us – His people.

How could anyone miss that?

The King went out of His way, as it were, to prove His love. Take a look at the cross. He desperately desires us. Desperately…

Words cannot even describe the veracity and intensity of that. I don't know how to fully explain. But this is the love I desire to have for my Maker. A love so desperate to the point of vulnerability and surrender. The giving of self to serve steadfastly and love completely. The Lord is my husband, in Him I am secure for He is always faithful and His love never fails.

Called To Worship

2007-06-18T01:42:00.000-07:00

I don't know why they lift their hands

Nor why they shout a name

What's with the Hallelujah's

Why do they say Amen?

I don't get the praising

And dancing all around

Yet I feel something happening

I hear a mighty sound

They say something about Spirit—

A Holy one at that

Hovering over the place

Changing lives and changing hearts.

Will it work in me?

Can I be brought to that place?

What does it mean to worship?

….it's passion. It's grace.

All you've done is nothing

When you're in My presence, child

My mercies and forgiveness

Are strong enough to reconcile

The name you hear is Jesus

My Son who died for you

His blood has washed you clean

Even sin cannot undo.

This is why they lift their hands

And why they shout My name

This is why I have called you—

To declare with all the saints

That Holy is the Lord

And great are My ways.

This is your highest calling–

To worship and to praise…

My Song -- It's Personal, Really.

2007-05-03T01:40:00.000-07:00

Crissy. That's what everyone calls me now that I'm older.
Reminiscing about those good ol' grade school days...
CRISELDA!!
No! I used to hate my name. Oh wait, hate's too strong a word.
Well, now that I'm actually able to repel those "hate" emotions – I've accepted the fact but I just couldn't love it, Criselda.
God knows I tried...

Many people who have known and judged me in the past would have more problems about me than my name. I couldn't blame them. I lived a life of drama – oh, those precious days and the drama I've made it.
Sometimes I dream of having a time machine – situated in the bathroom maybe or closet. That'd be wonderful. What a life I would have lived if I could undo those wrongdoings. Peace. Tranquility. The stillness of dawn. Oh, I can hear the Hallelujah chorus.

Life would probably be perfect.
Or would it?

I think of how I've come to know the love of my life, Jesus Christ and how I have humbled before him. Wretched. Unable to stand alone. My heart, bleak and broken. That Time, I didn't have anyone else and although He knew He was last in my list of confidants, He didn't mind. The feeling of acceptance despite my rebellion rose within. I knew there was something about this Jesus that I have come to. Something I could not comprehend – I felt forgiven, instantaneously.

Just like normal teenage girls, I have had my heart broken a couple of times. I have done things that I shouldn't – I turned to vices when told many times in my childhood not to. Rebelled against the values and principles of my upbringing. Cared less about how it would affect my family. I got my way in everything, yet I felt tired, distraught, literally lost. The world that I worshipped threw me straight away. Without warning. With nothing except pain and regrets. How could I be so stupid? How could I be so selfish?

The night of "Enough," as I would call it, because it's all I could utter, I locked my room, took my cd player, listened to a song entitled "Strong Enough" by Stacie Orrico. I sobbed uncontrollably, knowing that THAT SONG was THE SONG. The song I needed to hear, the song that could put how I felt into words and melodies-- The song that gave me the assurance that He is strong enough. Oh how lovely that night, I felt my tears washed my pain away and His love made me new.

It's very personal, really -- That night. That song.

…and another one
"Give me a chance, I want to change my ways. Coz' I can't live here and look the same. Help me to be someone who follows you. Make my heart like new. Oh, make my heart like new."-Prayer of Jabez album

Flustered--

2007-03-13T01:27:00.000-07:00

Hungry.

Thirsty.

Longing for more.

Desiring for all that You're about, Lord.

But how difficult this world –

This world that restrains

Where can my heart soar

When no place safe remains?

Is it the world or is it me?

The life of the imperfect

Striving for perfection

Taking every step

Trying

Not to fall

Trying

Not to fear.

…But I do still.

So Help Me God

2007-03-03T01:26:00.000-08:00

Why is it so hard for me to trust? Why is it so difficult to open my heart to those who really care? There are times I think I'm not good enough for them. Not mature enough for them. How do you measure maturity anyway? Is it when you ignore the pressures coming your way, or when you feel down on the dumps but you try… you try so hard to understand and to keep believing that God KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING in your life?

I'm afraid of judgments. I'm afraid of regrets. I'm afraid of trusting and getting hurt in the end. So help me God in this thing I'm in because I know Your love can overpower it all – it overpowers it all...

I want to find my place – in the greater scheme of things. I want to know where I truly belong. I've searched far and wide, and this is not even an overstatement. Everyone I've encountered I suspected. Everyone around me I've shut off in my life. I have been deceived to thinking no one cares, but the truth is, I drifted away. Fear has overtaken me; doubt has engulfed me as water sweeps sea. I drifted… farther and farther away. Unaware.

I want to go back. I'm tired of running away from the people I know I love. I need to open my heart once again and see what I am capable of. So help me God in this thing I'm in because I know Your love can overpower it all – it overpowers it all.

There's a thin line between guarding a heart and closing a heart. Whatever that line is, far be it from me to spend a lifetime trying to figure it out. All I know is God loves me and that's the only truth I should live by. My fears, doubts, failures in life – it's not something God cannot deal with. I'm not perfect, the people I love aren't perfect, all the more the people I dislike. Or at least not yet, but we grow, we gain increase, and the best part about it is we learn. We learn to love despite the hurts, the pains, the disappointments we stumble upon.

Life is not worth the fear, there's so much to learn and I'm willing now… whatever the cost.

So help me God in this thing I'm in coz' I can't do this on my own.

He Did Me Love

2007-02-26T01:25:00.000-08:00

A passion rises within

Captivated with the one akin to love

The supremacy of Him who made me

His love.

Not of the worlds'

It fades away

Why is it hard to decipher?

Him who called me out of nowhere

With nothing but flesh and blood

Even my bones will rot

Unless He breathes life into my nostrils

--and He did.

So now I live.

Now.

I love.

What You Value Most...

2007-01-29T01:20:00.000-08:00

…you lose sometimes. What you love the most instigates pain in your heart. When situations like these arise it's not very easy to pull yourself together. Most of the time, it's easier said than done. I honestly don't know how to deal with it; I have considered this one of my greatest fears – to get hurt. Up until this moment, I still don't know how to face it. I don't know, to be very honest, how to "forgive and forget" completely.

And yes, I may not know what to do, but I know who to turn to – I turn to Jesus. Because I know in my heart, He is the only one strong and able enough to "handle me with care." See, people are great confidants because some people you encounter experience/have experienced it, hence, enabling them to technically know how it feels... But Jesus doesn't only know how IT feels, He knows how YOU feel.

Every time I cry out to God, I see hope. I look at the cross, see His pain, yet, when I look close enough I see His heart; A heart that beats compassion, so they say. Hurting, wounded, persecuted, abandoned... and we think no one understands what we're going through. We think and feel that it's too much for us to bear. But He bore it on the cross, not to show the world He's super, but to show us that if He can take up His cross, bear the pain of living and dying, so can we. The littlest of pain that we encounter now and again, He believes we can make it through. He knows we can.

Hope – there's more to pain than the feeling itself; an underlying essence that when taken rightly, is the very thing that can stir up your passion, and incite the strength to rise up within you. We have fears, true enough, but God has given us hope. Hope that signifies His perfect love for us all. As written: "Perfect love casts out all fear."

So then I ask myself, what am I afraid of really? Because if God is for me who can be against me?

It may seem absurd to keep on keeping on without knowing the answers. But in this life that I have completely surrendered to Him… This is all I need to know: "The LORD my God is with me, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in me, He will quiet me with His love, He will rejoice over me with singing."

This is what I value more than what I value most.

His song.

His lullaby.

The knowing that He's there and He cares.

…Believe it, because He really is and He really does.

You've Got To Know When It's Over

2007-01-25T01:09:00.000-08:00

I guess that's just the way life is. People come, people go. Some stay, but most of them just simply walk away. There's no one to blame, really, it just happens, that's just the way life is. I'd take TD Jakes' advice when he said:

"Hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you; Let them walk! I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you…"

and it goes on through saying,

"…and it doesn't mean that they are a bad person, it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead."

I suppose I just have to let it go. I wouldn't want to try to raise something that's meant to.. you know.. be gone, to say the least.

NOTE: ok, ok, before I move on with this. I am not romantically distraught, ok. I'm not even talking about romance here. Just really want to be clear about that.

I've been 'that'less since I can't even remember when. Anyway, moving on…

Gee, I got lost right there. Anyway, what I'm really trying to say is… LET THE HECK GO! (preaching to myself)

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing for your life! [Isaiah 43:18-19]

AMEN AMEN!!

"It's not that I'm hateful, it's just that I'm faithful. And I know whatever God means for me to have, He'll give it! And if it takes too much sweat, I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay." –TD Jakes

My destiny is never tied to anybody that left. So if circumstances call for "letting go," I have to. In fear, disappointments, relationships, friendships, even when things seem so right. When God tells you to let go, one has to obey. When it's no longer bringing out the best in you or it's causing you to hurt so bad. Why stay? Why try to change the situation just so it could go according to your expectations?

You've got to know when it's over. You've got to know when things can never be the same again. You've got to know when something you've held on to already took its toll on your life, keep running; keep searching. Coz' you'll never know who's waiting in the end, cheering you on from the beginning: A true love, a real friend. Something you've always longed for. Look straight ahead, never look back. Don't let people who detached from you waste your time. You don't have to wait for them to come back and finish their race alongside you. Let go of 'extra baggage,' you've got your own race to finish. Move on, live strong…

YOU'VE GOT A PRIZE TO WIN, my friend!!

I Can And I'm Going To

2006-08-18T01:07:00.000-07:00

I guess if there's one thing that I ought to do..

It's to spend a little more time with You.

To know Your heart, Your will..

Everything I'm about, all things I'm made for

Fulfilled for the glory of You.

Hard so it seems, yet your goodness embrace me

I know You are faithful. I know You are good.

You supply all things I need, equip me for a greater work.

Lead me God, you lead the way.

I can't go on without You; I need for You to stay.

The only confidence I have is the confidence found in You

Nowhere else, No one else but You.

Stir me up. Stir me up.

A fervent passion to serve.

To do what I'm supposed to, to live the way Christ lived

He came to serve and not to be served

That's what I so long for

Change this carnal heart, uproot selfish desires

No more fleshly limitations, I want to live for You

Perfected reaching the stature of Your son, Jesus

By the enabling power of Your Holy Spirit

An oak of righteousness, a planting of the Lord

A display Your splendor, Your glory.

For a second, I wonder can You make me whole.

Then Your promises unfold right before my eyes

My heart has heard You speak:

You can and You're going to..

To Live is Christ

2006-07-18T01:06:00.000-07:00

I have nothing but praises for my King

Each day I live, I live for Him

My heart it seeks Your will, O God

Take me there... take me there...

Although I hid, you pursued my soul

So now I yield to your control

My life, no longer. Your life in me.

Youre my true identity.

What then am I to do with this?

This life of mine completely His.

And yes, for me to live is Christ.

Im Yours.. my King be glorified.

Not Always Easy

2006-05-12T01:03:00.000-07:00

NOT ALWAYS EASY

I want to get away. Away from the world, in to His dwelling place. To stay there, just there. Resting in His presence all the days of my life. I dont like what this world has to offer but to change it I have to face it. Its not always easy, but its worth it.

How can I go on having felt betrayed? How can I move on knowing how it feels to crash and burn? Yet in all that Ive done, He was there. He was the comfort I never had. My portion. My strength. So for his glory Ill stand and take that bold step. Its not always easy, but its worth it.

He changed me, and now the challenges I have to face entails. Letting go, learning to trust completely. I dont know how, but His Spirit leads me. At the verge of giving up, He was there to give me hope. He believed in me. So I wont let Him down. Its not always easy, but its worth it.

How can I keep silent when my heart shouts for joy? How could I not sing to the one who saved my soul? When I feel down, when circumstances arent right, I will praise Him even then for he deserves it. Its a privilege to worship. Its not always easy, but its worth it.

So it is either I move on bearing the pain, or stay where I am hurting again and again.

Its either I worship my faithful king, or I worry about everything.

Not everythings easy for me, but I believe in His promise. And if His promises arent worth pressing on to, then I dont know what is